In reading Salon’s fantastic article defending the casual hookup (particularly from the women’s perspective), a friend of mine pointed out the jaw-dropping abstinence slogan “There’s No Condom for the Heart.” Forthwith, a collaboration with my dear friend Pants, in promoting additional slogans for the movement:

10. Don’t Have Sex: You’re Probably Not That Good At It

9. The Best Birth Control is Shame

8. God is Watching, and He Says You’re Doing It Wrong

7. That’s Not What We Mean By “Missionary”

6. Who Would Jesus Do? Not You. Or Anyone. But Especially Not You.

5. Christ Didn’t Die for Our Sins So You Could Settle for a 6

4. We Protect the Unborn, But After That You’re On Your Own [with apologies to George Carlin]

3. Go F**k Yourself. But You Didn’t Hear That From Me.

2. Sex Ed? Don’t Ask, Because We Won’t Tell.

And the number one best new abstinence slogan we could come up with:

1. If God Wanted You to Get Pregnant, He’d Do It Himself