The Why and Wherefore

The Return of Saturn: Non-Astrology Edition

Posted on: August 7, 2008

Well, I haven’t posted much about politics lately, as I’ve been much more wrapped up in my own little world to pay attention to who’s playing what card (race, age, offshore drilling, tire pressure).

Although the boyfriend pointed out–to my great amusement–that at the biker rally where McCain drew so much ire for objectifying his wife, he also asked the crowd if they were tired of paying $4 a gallon for gas. This, of course, was AFTER he encouraged them to rev their engines to show their enthusiasm.

But enough about that. More about me.

It took me a long time to decide to even start a blog; I have a lot to say not just about politics and culture but about my life, my relationship, my job, and the coming of age, if you will, of a modern American woman pushing 30. (Pushing it pretty hard.)

Unfortunately, I’m not really made of Emily Gould material; as cathartic as I find writing to be, sharing my personal life with the whole world is not really my cup of tea. Nor is it my boyfriend’s. And frankly, I know better than to blog about my job. So how do I write about the things that are important to me without disclosing too much?

Keeping it vague, I suppose. I’m on the verge of two to three major life changes, most of which have been eagerly anticipated for quite some time. Now that they are upon me, I suddenly find myself switching from “pleasepleasepleaseplease let this HAPPEN already” to “Ack! You mean I’m actually supposed to *deal* with this now?”

I find myself possessed by vague, persistent anxiety that’s only tangentially grounded in the realities of my situation. I ask myself repeatedly if I truly want and welcome these changes; the answer is always yes, but the anxiety remains. I’ve always had an unrealistic obsession with making the *right* decisions, as though there’s any such thing. (Stay in school, kids.)

But despite my youthful penchant for packing up and moving cross-country whenever it was time for a change, I now find myself quaking in my Skechers industrial-strength ballet flats. (Seriously. Those things are awesome. I own four pairs.) In my brain, my heart and even in my chardonnay-induced gut, I know the choices I’m making are the right ones for me, at this point in my life. But somewhere among those major decision-making organs (throat? boobs? scapula?), there’s a little gnome going, but are you SURE????

I may not be the Middle East (though sometimes it feels like that inside my head), but I suspect these are the birth pangs of my adult self. Here’s hoping I turn out to be less neurotic and over-analyzing than I am now.

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1 Response to "The Return of Saturn: Non-Astrology Edition"

The gnome is not a bad gnome; you just have to have an answer for it.

That said, trust your gut. There’s a reason you’ve been wanting these things, a reason you know they’re right. But your decisions are also allowed to change as they happen, too. Maybe it’s a great decision, but the timing’s a little off. Maybe you’re doing a thing you want, but it’s coming about in a way you didn’t want, or don’t want anymore. It’s OK to say, yes, this is a thing I planned for and expected and wanted, and now that it’s in my sights I want to change it a bit.

You’re doing great, hon.

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